The Story I Never Told

Dear Liam,

This is the story of your Godmother. For the sake of privacy, we'll call her Lynn. Here goes:

Lynn and I met in my 3rd year of college. We were in the same cohort. She was shy but kind. She and I became friends after I also became friends with another nice girl named Ann. We were like the 3 amigos, and I got through college because of them! In the summer of 2007, I was to move back to Jacksonville, but my heart ached at the thought of going our separate ways. I talked to Ann first about the idea of moving to Jacksonville with me, and she was excited about my proposal! With much convincing, we managed to get Lynn to also move to Jacksonville. (She didn't like big change.) We finished our internships for school, and they were my 2 bridesmaids when I married Daddy.

After getting married to your Daddy, our friendship changed a little. I was now married and they were still single, so it was an adjustment. I saw Ann less and less but were still friends, Lynn always tried to keep our friendship intact.

Lynn was the first person we told when we found out we were pregnant with you. She hugged and was so happy for us. A few weeks later, I asked her to be your godmother.

Two months later, you came 12 weeks early. We were all in shock. We almost didn't make it, you and I. I stayed in the hospital for a week, while you stayed for 10.  Lynn was the first friend that came to the hospital to see me. She witnessed me puking from the magsulfate I had going my body to help me from developing preeclampsia and seizing.

While you were in the NICU, Lynn threw me the most amazing baby shower and spoiled you with gifts. (Mommy, too). She planned everything to a "T," and it was the best baby shower I've ever seen or been to!

You came home the week of Thanksgiving, and we were so thankful. Unfortunately, Lynn's sister had to have an emergency appendectomy the same week of your discharge, and I didn't go because I knew you were coming home and I didn't want to infect you with outside hospital germs. Thinking back, I wish I had to show the support she had shown me for you. Instead, we became hermits and wanted so badly to keep you hidden from sickness and disease from the world.

After a few months you came home, I started having bad panic and anxiety attacks. I kept having thoughts that every single thing or germ would kill you. I was terrified of when you'd get your first cold and I how I would react to seeing you sick. All the time you were in the NICU, I prayed you wouldn't get sick, and those times where we thought you might've had an infection I would be scared to death. You were so small and fragile. Now that you were home, I didn't have monitors or blood work or the bubble of the NICU to shield you from outside germs. I was terrified. I tried to close out many people because I didn't want anyone to see what was happening to me. All the strength I tried to maintain in the NICU was crumbling now that you were home. The horrendous experience or having a micropreemie was debilitating my body, mind, and spirit. I didn't want to be happy nor did I want to see happy. I hurt so badly that I wanted someone to hurt, too. I took it out on Lynn.

In April when you first got sick, I had a nervous breakdown. I wept in the closet with the lights out and rocked back and forth. Thinking back, if I had called her and told he what was happening she probably would have come over and tried to calm me down. Instead, I hastily wrote a letter telling her I wanted to end my friendship with her. The damage had been done. I had hurt her to the core, and in doing so, I ended up hurting myself even more. I severed a friendship of gold. I did try a few times to reconnect but could never quite make amends. I didn't know how, and quite frankly I was and still am ashamed.

Seeing her in the hallways of where we both worked is painful. She works right across the hall from me. Sometimes maybe I catch it in her eyes too---of once was. She was one of the best friends I ever had. She is getting married now. I'm so happy she found someone to make her heart happy. I wonder sometimes if I hadn't done what I'd done, you'd be the ring bearer in her wedding. If she never wants to be friends with me again, I have to accept that even though it hurts. I pray one day you get to know her, hopefully one day if she decides to give me another chance. You would like her a lot. There are times I wish I could text or call her as if nothing had happened.

I am not the same person I once was coming out of the NICU. And having gone through it twice is doubly hard. I am still coping with effects of the trauma it's caused but I'm trying my best. I was never the most emotional or loving person until I had you and your sister. Your dad has helped a lot, and you two have tripled my ability to love. I have changed for the best and the worst. Seeing you and Leyna both fight for you lives to be with us makes me even more appreciate of a mother. I cherish every milestone and accomplishment. You've taught me a love I've never experienced.

Lynn, if you ever read this, I want to say to you: I'm sorry. I've said it before, but I say it again. I'm sorry for cutting you out of my life. I wish that I could reverse time and had been there for you half as much as you were for me. I wish you could get to know your godson. He is the most amazingly sweet and smart little boy who already loves more than his momma. I wish you happiness and joy. I don't know how or if I can ever get you back into my life, but if you're willing to give me a chance, please do. Could you let me know? I miss you. Love, Me.