"I Love You"

Dear Liam,

The first time I heard you say those words to me, I about melted into an absolute mush.  When you were a little baby and couldn't talk yet, you would like at me sometimes, and I'd wonder if certain "looks" were to tell me that you loved me.  I somehow thought that it was what you'd be trying to say. It's even more heavenly hearing you say it aloud.

When I was little, the phrase, "I love you" was seldom, if ever said, around our house.  I knew I was loved and they showed it (That's important, too).  However, it was just not verbally spoken.  It may have been the fact we come from an Asian background, where emotions and feeling were kept to oneself. I remember hearing it and yearning to say it, but there was an awkwardness and fear to say it out loud.  My grandma (We called her "Mama."), who I loved so much, was one of the first people I wanted to really say it to, but even I had difficulty.  But eventually, I did, and it felt so good to say it!


Your daddy is responsible for the "I love you's" that come out of my mouth.  He has taught me the importance of letting others know how much you care for them out loud. Your dad always tells me  he loves me and you.  He's taught me that "I love you" is an unconditional feeling.  That is, even when we are in a bad mood, or even if I am mad, "I love you" is still said because through it all, we still love each other.

It may be that you're busy, being a typical 2 year old, or you're in a mood, but sometimes when we ask you to say "I love you," you are stingy. Other times you are abundant in your proclamations of "I love you." Either way, I want you know that "I love  you's" are unconditional.  No matter how mad, grumpy, or sour mood we are in, I promise that my love for you will always be there.  You will hear it in the best of times, happiest of times, angriest of times, saddest of times, and every time in between.  My hope is that you realize that we will love you always and are proud to have you hear it.

So, remember to always tell those you care for "I love you."  It is one of the greatest things you can say, and something you should share abundantly, unconditionally.

I love you,
Mommy

Dear Liam 2013

Dear Liam,

It is a brand new year!  Another year is here that I have the privilege and honor of being your mommy! Every stage is better than the last, although I still wish at times you were the little baby I could hold in my arms, put little newborn mittens on,  or see in your crib, butt in the air, asleep.

I am in awe of how smart and verbal you are.  Your dad and I were just talking in the car tonight about how well you plot out your escapes from nap, or how you articulate your wants and needs.  I love your questions, "What you doing?" "What are we doing here?" "What time is it?" "Where are my sunglasses?" or how you proudly exclaim, "I'm mad! My paper tore!" "Oh look! I have a new hammer, a new screwdriver!" I love your responses to my own questions, like, "Not right now." "Yes, exactly." (We even laughed when Tu-Tu tried to get you to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider, so she sang first, but then you shouted, "Stop that music!")  There are some vocabulary words that you know that absolutely astound me!  I have no idea when or how you learned it.  But we've realized that you sometimes only need one incident to remember a word.  I could go on and on about the phrases.  What they say is true, your brain is such a sponge right now, and it's so fun to have a conversation with a two-year old. You bring the kid in me.  I love it.  You're dad does the same thing, and it's a lot of fun!

Unfortunately, for the past 4 months, you have had rounds and rounds of sickies.  You started pre-school in late August. And, although you only go two days a week, you seem to get sick just about every week or every other week.  It doesn't get easier seeing my little darling sick than when you were little.  It breaks my heart to hear you cough at night, and since you can use words, it's hard to hear, "Help me, Mommy.  It hurts."  I have to keep reminding myself that you're building your immune system and that you are learning SO much from going to school. Also, Mommy and Daddy are getting their share of daycare germs from you, and thus we have been battling our own sickies all this time!

Your grandparents, as I've predicted, are still incredibly in love with you.  I think even more so.  You charm so many that meet you, and you're hard not to love:) Mommy and Daddy don't have to try hard to squeeze in a date night when one set of grandparents are almost always ready to watch and babysit you.

As sweet and loving as you are, you are not without your tantrums.  You definitely know when to test us, but luckily you are good about accepting time-outs and understanding why we had to put you there.

Baby boy, I didn't think I could love you more, but I do.  Every day, every moment, every laugh, every tear, every snuggle, and every tantrum is a tremendous gift.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for the miracle that is you, Liam.  I thank Him for every smile and every meltdown.  I thank Him for allowing me to be your mother and His mercy to allow us your life on Earth with us.

Some people have asked if we're going to have a sibling for you...that remains to be unknown.  I do not know if I am ready to share you yet, but if or when that time comes, I know my love will only grow tenfold.  Right now, I am basking in the blessing of having you in my life.  You are the most precious thing to your dad and I.  We will always love you.  We are so proud.

Love,

Liam in December of 2012 riding front seat of a fire truck

Mommy

The Pumpkin Patch

Dear Liam,
    
Today, your daddy, Nanny, and I went to the pumpkin patch at one of the local churches down the road from us (sorry I didn't get the name of the church!).  It was your first patch.  You weren't able to do one last year because you were still in the NICU.  We were so excited!  Mommy took her fancy camera, and it was a splendid time watching you take picture with hundreds of pumpkins, hay stacks, and silly put-your head-here wooden boards.  My favorite one was of you sticking your head atop of a wooden turkey! (Mommy doesn't eat turkey.)  I felt like this was much a milestone or right of passage as crawling. lol.  I think you enjoyed yourself.  Afterwards, we all went to the delicious Metro Diner for lunch.  It was a great day!

On the hay stack

This was before we left.  What a cutie!

Nanny and Liam

Hmmm...I'm picking which pumpkin I want...

So serious!

I'm on a boat..err..a wagon!

Mom and Liam checking out a mini-pumpkin.

Liam, the little turkey.

Looking forward to more days like this with you, little man!

Love,
Mom

Silly Saturday

Here's a picture from last Saturday from your 1st Birthday party.  And so begins your fondness for sugar...

My baby is 1 !!!

1 Year

Dear Liam,

I am sitting here in awe that it has been one year since you were born.  Your birthday was a mixture of fear and excitement, but sure of God's presence and your family's love.  You amazed us from the very beginning, and I have no doubt that will continue. There isn't a day that goes by without talking to God for how thankful I am for you.  Your life will always be a constant reminder that I've been blessed to be the mommy of an extra special miracle.  

"I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Liam Isaac Lucas

1 Year Old

on September 15, 2011

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

Love, 

Mommy

All Ready

Dear Liam,

It's hard to sit and watch you and not get emotional at times.  When we saw you for the first time on the U/S screen at almost 8 weeks, you were tiny, but you were all ready Liam.

When we learned at 17 weeks that you were indeed a boy, you were all ready Liam.

And when you came into this world, a precious 3lb 2 oz miracle, you were all ready Liam.

God is amazing.  He makes no mistakes. My beautiful boy, you are meant for great and wonderful things because God all ready knows...

We look forward the what God has in store for you.

Liam, 8 months 1 week

God bless you always,
Mommy

"When Mommy Couldn't Hold You"

Dear Liam,

I  found this poem written by a NICU mom.  I'm so glad she wrote it. I am re-dedicating this to you my 28 weeks 3 day miracle.

When Mommy Couldn't Hold You

By Sarah Kamienski

"Pregnant? Us? Oh, this will be great!,"

I remember thinking that day.

Not having a clue what lay in store,

Or really knowing the way.

After days and weeks and months of growing,

You made Mommy's tummy quite large.

For each moment that you were safely inside me,

I felt that I was in charge.

Then all of the sudden - I couldn't believe it!

Mommy felt so unprepared.

When the doctor said, "This is it! Here we go!"

Mommy was so very scared.

You were not "due" for weeks to come,

I thought I had so much more time

To prepare myself, my heart, my life,

But my plans flipped on a dime.

Then all of the sudden and without much warning,

It was all taken out of my hands.

When out of my tummy you came so fast,

And then Mommy's real fear began.

Although my tummy seemed quite large for me,

You, my dear, were not.

Off to the NICU, alone, you were sent.

My heart, it leapt, felt caught.

A whole new world we entered then,

Not knowing quite what to do.

Not able to hold you, at first, even touch you

And yet, oh, how my love grew!

After just one moment of breathing you in,

My heart was forever changed.

For you had captured me with your precious spirit;

A stake in my soul, you had claimed.

I watched and I cried as they wrapped you in blankets,

Swaddling you with oh so much care.

I raised my empty hands up to Heaven,

Admitting I was so very scared.

I longed to hold you. I longed to protect you.

I longed to make it ok.

Yet, it became clear that I was no longer "in charge,"

And that all I could do was pray.

I offered my milk, I offered my presence.

I learned how to touch you just so.

That you would feel safe, cared for, and loved,

Through the glass you would know.

Then, as clearly as day, I opened my eyes

And saw for the very first time-

It wasn't the incubator that held you at all.

It was God. His hands, you were fine.

You see, dear child, I never had control,

As much as I would've liked to think.

For this was His plan, I see now so clearly.

In letting go, I found the link.

The comfort in moments of fear for tomorrow;

the solace for unending tears.

The truth that when Mommy couldn't hold you,

Dear child, He was so very near.

His angels around you, above and below,

They guarded you morning and night.

Singing sweet songs and calming your fears;

Never letting you out of their sight.

You see, my sweet angel, I have learned at long last

That there is no guarantee.

All we have is this moment to love one another,

To rest, to cherish, to be.

So, as you grow up and the memories fade

Of your days spent in the NICU,

May you always remember the closeness you felt

To the One who protected and held you.

I know you'll be scared again someday.

But whenever you feel some alarm,

Remember the truth that when Mommy can't hold you,

God holds you safe in His arms.