Dear Liam,
This is the story of your Godmother. For the sake of privacy, we'll call her Lynn. Here goes:
Lynn and I met in my 3rd year of college. We were in the same cohort. She was shy but kind. She and I became friends after I also became friends with another nice girl named Ann. We were like the 3 amigos, and I got through college because of them! In the summer of 2007, I was to move back to Jacksonville, but my heart ached at the thought of going our separate ways. I talked to Ann first about the idea of moving to Jacksonville with me, and she was excited about my proposal! With much convincing, we managed to get Lynn to also move to Jacksonville. (She didn't like big change.) We finished our internships for school, and they were my 2 bridesmaids when I married Daddy.
After getting married to your Daddy, our friendship changed a little. I was now married and they were still single, so it was an adjustment. I saw Ann less and less but were still friends, Lynn always tried to keep our friendship intact.
Lynn was the first person we told when we found out we were pregnant with you. She hugged and was so happy for us. A few weeks later, I asked her to be your godmother.
Two months later, you came 12 weeks early. We were all in shock. We almost didn't make it, you and I. I stayed in the hospital for a week, while you stayed for 10. Lynn was the first friend that came to the hospital to see me. She witnessed me puking from the magsulfate I had going my body to help me from developing preeclampsia and seizing.
While you were in the NICU, Lynn threw me the most amazing baby shower and spoiled you with gifts. (Mommy, too). She planned everything to a "T," and it was the best baby shower I've ever seen or been to!
You came home the week of Thanksgiving, and we were so thankful. Unfortunately, Lynn's sister had to have an emergency appendectomy the same week of your discharge, and I didn't go because I knew you were coming home and I didn't want to infect you with outside hospital germs. Thinking back, I wish I had to show the support she had shown me for you.
After a few months you came home, I started having bad panic and anxiety attacks. I kept having thoughts that every single thing or germ would kill you. I was terrified of when you'd get your first cold and I how I would react to seeing you sick. All the time you were in the NICU, I prayed you wouldn't get sick, and those times where we thought you might've had an infection I would be scared to death. You were so small and fragile. Now that you were home, I didn't have monitors or blood work or the bubble of the NICU to shield you from outside germs. I was terrified. I tried to close out many people because I didn't want anyone to see what was happening to me. All the strength I tried to maintain in the NICU was crumbling now that you were home. The horrendous experience or having a micropreemie was debilitating my body, mind, and spirit. I didn't want to be happy nor did I want to see happy. I hurt so badly that I wanted someone to hurt, too. I took it out on Lynn.
In April when you first got sick, I had a nervous breakdown. I wept in the closet with the lights out and rocked back and forth. Thinking back, if I had called her and told he what was happening she probably would have come over and tried to calm me down. Instead, I hastily wrote a letter telling her I wanted to end my friendship with her. The damage had been done. I had hurt her to the core, and in doing so, I ended up hurting myself even more. I severed a friendship of gold. I did try a few times to reconnect but could never quite make amends. I didn't know how, and quite frankly I was and still am ashamed.
Seeing her in the hallways of where we both worked is painful. She works right across the hall from me. Sometimes maybe I catch it in her eyes too---of once was. She was one of the best friends I ever had. She is getting married now. I'm so happy she found someone to make her heart happy. I wonder sometimes if I hadn't done what I'd done, you'd be the ring bearer in her wedding. If she never wants to be friends with me again, I have to accept that even though it hurts. I pray one day you get to know her, hopefully one day if she decides to give me another chance. You would like her a lot. There are times I wish I could text or call her as if nothing had happened.
I am not the same person I once was coming out of the NICU. And having gone through it twice is doubly hard. I am still coping with effects of the trauma it's caused but I'm trying my best. I was never the most emotional or loving person until I had you and your sister. Your dad has helped a lot, and you two have tripled my ability to love. I have changed for the best and the worst. Seeing you and Leyna both fight for you lives to be with us makes me even more appreciate of a mother. I cherish every milestone and accomplishment. You've taught me a love I've never experienced.
Lynn, if you ever read this, I want to say to you: I'm sorry. I've said it before, but I say it again. I'm sorry for cutting you out of my life. I wish that I could reverse time and had been there for you half as much as you were for me. I wish you could get to know your godson. He is the most amazingly sweet and smart little boy who already loves more than his momma. I wish you happiness and joy. I don't know how or if I can ever get you back into my life, but if you're willing to give me a chance, please do. Could you let me know? I miss you. Love, Me.
Monday, July 14, 2014
The Story I Never Told
Monday, March 18, 2013
"I Love You"
Dear Liam,
The first time I heard you say those words to me, I about melted into an absolute mush. When you were a little baby and couldn't talk yet, you would like at me sometimes, and I'd wonder if certain "looks" were to tell me that you loved me. I somehow thought that it was what you'd be trying to say. It's even more heavenly hearing you say it aloud.
When I was little, the phrase, "I love you" was seldom, if ever said, around our house. I knew I was loved and they showed it (That's important, too). However, it was just not verbally spoken. It may have been the fact we come from an Asian background, where emotions and feeling were kept to oneself. I remember hearing it and yearning to say it, but there was an awkwardness and fear to say it out loud. My grandma (We called her "Mama."), who I loved so much, was one of the first people I wanted to really say it to, but even I had difficulty. But eventually, I did, and it felt so good to say it!
Your daddy is responsible for the "I love you's" that come out of my mouth. He has taught me the importance of letting others know how much you care for them out loud. Your dad always tells me he loves me and you. He's taught me that "I love you" is an unconditional feeling. That is, even when we are in a bad mood, or even if I am mad, "I love you" is still said because through it all, we still love each other.
It may be that you're busy, being a typical 2 year old, or you're in a mood, but sometimes when we ask you to say "I love you," you are stingy. Other times you are abundant in your proclamations of "I love you." Either way, I want you know that "I love you's" are unconditional. No matter how mad, grumpy, or sour mood we are in, I promise that my love for you will always be there. You will hear it in the best of times, happiest of times, angriest of times, saddest of times, and every time in between. My hope is that you realize that we will love you always and are proud to have you hear it.
So, remember to always tell those you care for "I love you." It is one of the greatest things you can say, and something you should share abundantly, unconditionally.
I love you,
Mommy
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Dear Liam 2013
Dear Liam,
It is a brand new year! Another year is here that I have the privilege and honor of being your mommy! Every stage is better than the last, although I still wish at times you were the little baby I could hold in my arms, put little newborn mittens on, or see in your crib, butt in the air, asleep.
I am in awe of how smart and verbal you are. Your dad and I were just talking in the car tonight about how well you plot out your escapes from nap, or how you articulate your wants and needs. I love your questions, "What you doing?" "What are we doing here?" "What time is it?" "Where are my sunglasses?" or how you proudly exclaim, "I'm mad! My paper tore!" "Oh look! I have a new hammer, a new screwdriver!" I love your responses to my own questions, like, "Not right now." "Yes, exactly." (We even laughed when Tu-Tu tried to get you to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider, so she sang first, but then you shouted, "Stop that music!") There are some vocabulary words that you know that absolutely astound me! I have no idea when or how you learned it. But we've realized that you sometimes only need one incident to remember a word. I could go on and on about the phrases. What they say is true, your brain is such a sponge right now, and it's so fun to have a conversation with a two-year old. You bring the kid in me. I love it. You're dad does the same thing, and it's a lot of fun!
Unfortunately, for the past 4 months, you have had rounds and rounds of sickies. You started pre-school in late August. And, although you only go two days a week, you seem to get sick just about every week or every other week. It doesn't get easier seeing my little darling sick than when you were little. It breaks my heart to hear you cough at night, and since you can use words, it's hard to hear, "Help me, Mommy. It hurts." I have to keep reminding myself that you're building your immune system and that you are learning SO much from going to school. Also, Mommy and Daddy are getting their share of daycare germs from you, and thus we have been battling our own sickies all this time!
Your grandparents, as I've predicted, are still incredibly in love with you. I think even more so. You charm so many that meet you, and you're hard not to love:) Mommy and Daddy don't have to try hard to squeeze in a date night when one set of grandparents are almost always ready to watch and babysit you.
As sweet and loving as you are, you are not without your tantrums. You definitely know when to test us, but luckily you are good about accepting time-outs and understanding why we had to put you there.
Baby boy, I didn't think I could love you more, but I do. Every day, every moment, every laugh, every tear, every snuggle, and every tantrum is a tremendous gift. There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for the miracle that is you, Liam. I thank Him for every smile and every meltdown. I thank Him for allowing me to be your mother and His mercy to allow us your life on Earth with us.
Some people have asked if we're going to have a sibling for you...that remains to be unknown. I do not know if I am ready to share you yet, but if or when that time comes, I know my love will only grow tenfold. Right now, I am basking in the blessing of having you in my life. You are the most precious thing to your dad and I. We will always love you. We are so proud.
Love,
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| Liam in December of 2012 riding front seat of a fire truck |
Saturday, October 22, 2011
The Pumpkin Patch
Dear Liam,
Today, your daddy, Nanny, and I went to the pumpkin patch at one of the local churches down the road from us (sorry I didn't get the name of the church!). It was your first patch. You weren't able to do one last year because you were still in the NICU. We were so excited! Mommy took her fancy camera, and it was a splendid time watching you take picture with hundreds of pumpkins, hay stacks, and silly put-your head-here wooden boards. My favorite one was of you sticking your head atop of a wooden turkey! (Mommy doesn't eat turkey.) I felt like this was much a milestone or right of passage as crawling. lol. I think you enjoyed yourself. Afterwards, we all went to the delicious Metro Diner for lunch. It was a great day!
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| On the hay stack |
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| This was before we left. What a cutie! |
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| Nanny and Liam |
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| Hmmm...I'm picking which pumpkin I want... |
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| So serious! |
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| I'm on a boat..err..a wagon! |
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| Mom and Liam checking out a mini-pumpkin. |
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| Liam, the little turkey. |
Love,
Mom
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Silly Saturday
Here's a picture from last Saturday from your 1st Birthday party. And so begins your fondness for sugar...
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
1 Year
I am sitting here in awe that it has been one year since you were born. Your birthday was a mixture of fear and excitement, but sure of God's presence and your family's love. You amazed us from the very beginning, and I have no doubt that will continue. There isn't a day that goes by without talking to God for how thankful I am for you. Your life will always be a constant reminder that I've been blessed to be the mommy of an extra special miracle.
"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."
Monday, May 23, 2011
All Ready
Dear Liam,
It's hard to sit and watch you and not get emotional at times. When we saw you for the first time on the U/S screen at almost 8 weeks, you were tiny, but you were all ready Liam.
When we learned at 17 weeks that you were indeed a boy, you were all ready Liam.
And when you came into this world, a precious 3lb 2 oz miracle, you were all ready Liam.
God is amazing. He makes no mistakes. My beautiful boy, you are meant for great and wonderful things because God all ready knows...
We look forward the what God has in store for you.
God bless you always,
Mommy
